On this Christmas day in 2010 I have so much to be grateful for. It has been three months since I have last update my journal on this website so it is tough to summarize what has transpired for me.

Photos -

This is my immediate "Fort Collins family". The 5 person crew that all have the opportunity to help Hannah live a very full and social life. Tammy, Diane, Brook, Emily, Trot, and Nicole.

Two of my very close friends in Fort Collins, Kyle and Claire - picture taken at our pumpkin party.

Dyane and Kyle are pictured on a bike adventure trip - Fort Collins, CO to Vedauwoo, WY. The sign did actually say, "Survivors will be prosecuted." We all survived...without prosecution.

Hannah is pictured participating in a 5k run through a non-profit organization called Athlete's in Tandem.

My best friend Andrea returned home from three months in the desert and her two babies are in her arms for the first time since she left.

A group of good friends went on a ski yurt trip. My good friend Steve has just given me a wet willy as we sat in his trunk taking our gear off at the end of the trip.

Kyle and Brook at the beginning of the ski trip.

One of my goals from my previous post included stating that I want to surround myself with people who support, inspire and love me and those I can support inspire and love. I am thrilled to report after my three months in Fort Collins I have created such a community. I am grateful for each one of them and feel so lucky to have such a strong group of friends that developed so quickly. So much so, that I am sadly having to leave this group of friends in January for Austin to finish up my masters degree in an internship. I am trying to rally and get excited about the temporary move to Austin, but I am so thrilled with my community I am torn about peeling away - if only for 3 months.

I had a revelation as to why creating such a strong network of friends has been such vital aspect of my new life in Colorado. When I was in Houston taking care of my mom, I was surrounded by family. I love my family dearly, and am so grateful they are in my life. Although, when I needed to cry about my mother impending death and I needed an escape from my family I had no where to go. I really did not have a solid network of friends. This was the loneliest I can remember feeling in my life. By moving back to Colorado, knowing I would not even have my family members around, I knew that creating a network of friends was a priority.

I am working on something within myself in the last couple of months. It is a simple concept, but yet so many people (including myself) in our society struggle with this state of being....present. When I am talking with someone I can tell quickly if they are present with me and I quickly become disappointed and distracted if I recognize their aloof attention. I have decided that my lessons with Hannah have to do with being present and really listening. While Hannah cannot use her voice to speak, she uses facial expressions, eyes and her computer to communicate. I am grateful to my teacher Hannah. I still have tons to learn from her. We are still getting to know each other, but I am very much enjoying living and working with her and from what I can understand she is still excited that I am living and working her her.

Friends - I find it ironic that I have invested so much time in developing my friendships in the recent months, yet I have also had so much turmoil with so many friendships. One of my mantras I have used in the last couple of months is "The only constant is change itself." Referring back to the state of being full present, I am working on being grateful for what I have for the time I have it.

My new word I have been focusing on...Grace. It is no secret that our world is filled with equal and opposite emotions which keep us all in balance and in check. I have been trying to remember that when shit hits the fan, with some patience and some deep breaths this helps me realize the good stuff is just around the corner. On the other side of the token, when I am in a state of elation, I have to remember not to get over the top excited and be aware that even though my overriding emotion is ecstatic, there are still concurrently things in my life that need nurturing and attention. This place, I call grace.

Dance camp - I had the opportunity to visit a special male friend in California at the beginning of December for a dance camp. There has been a welcoming of a new style of dance in my life. There are many different names for this style of dance (which actually has no form to it at all) - ecstatic dance, wild dance, conscience dancing, free form, contact etc. I feel more free and ecstatic when I am in this form of dance - it is the closest natural high I can ever recall. I had 3 wonderful days of this at a camp in California with some amazingly special people.

Wild Dance in Fort Collins - Perhaps one of the greatest thing that has happened for me since moving to Fort Collins was helping getting Wild Dance going in Fort Collins. For many years there was a group of dancers, but over the years the group had grown too small. When I moved to town I researched and networked until I found the right people to help me pull off the resurrection of the wild dance in Fort Collins. We were elated when 16 people showed up and we all had a magical evening of dancing. It was such a great highlight!

December 8th - This was mom's anniversary date from her passing one year ago. I saw the calendar and tried not to focus on the date, but my mind could not overcome the sadness in my heart. It was one of my tougher days. There was simply this cloud of sadness hanging over me all day and I could not shake it. I was so very thankful to have my good friend Steve to get outside with me and go for a bike ride. Also, that evening I was working with Hannah so that helped as well. I have noticed as of recent I miss my mom the most when shit hits the fan. I guess I did not realize I called on her when my life became what I felt like was unmanageable. Soon after she died, I said to more than one person, "I am 28, I feel like I don't really depend on mom much anymore." I guess I was wrong - I realize now that I don't have her in the tough moments is when I really want her around. She was a good momma, a good momma I will always miss and will always be grateful that I had the best momma in the world for 28 years. I love you mom and I miss you in my days.

Hannah, Diane (Hannah's mom), Tammy (another one of Hannah's caregiver) and I went to the Breckenridge Outdoor Education Center for a winter ski trip. I had the chance to ski with Hannah and we had a rippin good time! It was good to be back in the Griffith Lodge. We had beautiful weather and such a nice group of folks as usual to spend time cooking meals, playing games, sharing stories and much much laughter. Hannah had a great time and is looking forward to her next vacation...whatever it may be!

Houston visit - I felt as though this Christmas was my first real Christmas without my mom. She was technically not living last Christmas, but it seemed as though it did not count or even as though it did not exist. I remember last year we were still dealing with the aftermath of losing a family member and all of the logistics involved with such matters. On Christmas morning, Dad and I went to the Veteran's Memorial to visit Mom for the first time since her plaque was complete. We also had a chance to say Merry X-mas to my grandpa - Dad's dad.

There are about a million other things I could update on this blog - but for now - that was enough. It is tough to wrap up so many months into a blog. I have learned my lesson - I will try to do a better job of updating folks and keeping a better journal.

My life in Fort Collins

Two weeks later and I am still ecstatic on so many levels to be living in Fort Collins. It has been a roller coaster ride already with many ups and many downs. I am happy to report that this particular ride has more ups than downs which defies physics - but what the hell - I was not a science major.

My highlight day:
On my 7th day in Fort Collins I had the day off. The morning started a bit rough from the generous amount of wine I consumed the night previous. I had to push through because Hannah was participating in a half marathon that I did not want to miss. As I am quite a bit out of shape I decided to join Hannah at mile 9 and finish the last 4 miles with her. It was exhilarating (sans the hungover) to run next to Hannah. At the end of the race I met the organizer of a new local non-profit called Athletes in Tandem (http://www.athletesintandem.org/index.html). I was so excited to meet him and learn that he has this organization in Fort Collins. I was beaming and jumping up and down in excitement! I ran back home and helped my BFF Nicole move out of her house and the rest of her belongings into the house. I then drove to Denver to participate in a 3 hour acrobatic/partner yoga workshop. I was in heaven! It is by far my favorite yoga class - it sucks that it is not offered in too many places. I also organized a pot luck at our house that evening. It was only my first week, but between Nicole and I we had 10 friends at our house that evening. It was such a beautiful group of people and delicious food. We were even cheesy dorks and had a sharing circle. I then indulged the group in some acro yoga fun! We thought it would also be appropriate to take a family style photo as you can see. Yep - I was 100% that day! I was loving life!

Patience and little victories - My roommate Hannah, pictured wearing her race number as she participated in a 5k in a jogger, has so many things to teach me. While she can use her computer that speaks for her, she often times just uses her eyes to answer yes or no questions. Of course, that is, if she feels like answering the question. We have talked and established that she is breaking me in and giving me a hard time. I have made many mistakes and Hannah does not let me forget them. On an over night she called me in her room 3 times for assistance and each time I got there I had to run through my head all of the things she might be needing. On the 3rd visit I finally figured out what she needed without having to call my trainer. She was able to sleep through the night and in that one moment I had a small victory. Who knew turning on an AC unit could bring so much joy and satisfaction to me? What seems like a small feat was a huge accomplishment. To figure out what she needed. This past weekend I finally figured out the lift on the van and was able to take Hannah on our first outing together. She had a picnic with her boyfriend of 8 years - another small victory. I love this job - although it challenges me and pushes me to the point of frustration - I am giving it my all and I know I am capable of only that. Hannah knows because I tell her every chance I get, I am doing the best job I can. She laughs and teases me because that is her personality. I know if she truly did not want me as her roommate she would give me the cold shoulder instead of her playful teases.

My other roommate Nicole, who is my total BFF, and I are by and large a married couple. The two thresholds we have yet to cross include a shared banking account and sex. Try as we might, and as much as we want it to be so, we are simply not lesbians. Other than that we share EVERYTHING! We will soon be selling her car and forcing ourselves into car share situation. Nearly everything Nicole and I need in Fort Collins is highly accessible via bicycle or foot and by sharing a car it will push us into that pattern. We share clothes, food, her dog Trot (although that is the only thing I am not allowed to have), shampoo...everything! I love Nicole with all of my heart, but our honeymoon is finding its way to the end and we are without a doubt facing some long conversations in order to meet the other person's needs and expectations. Marriage is tough is all I have to say!

Family - I mentioned to my brother Chad that I was happy as a clam living in Fort Collins. He made a comment that seemed to hit the nail on the head. He said, "Well when you have close friends and family around it makes a difference." Having my BFF Nicole and a handful of good friends (Tony, Kyle, Cuco etc.) as well as Andrea's family (my childhood best friend who is basically family to me), her husband Brandon and their two wee ones (Zoe and Maddox) without a doubt makes this experience in Fort Collins complete. I might be oversimplifying things, but I realized within the last couple of years that today I feel like the meaning of life for me is deep and intimate human connections. I am surrounded by people I love and support and who support and love me reciprocally. Powerful stuff I would say! Hannah, her mother, her day program staff and the respite staff are quickly becoming apart of the circle. I miss my family in Houston...on a daily basis. Perhaps I miss them now more than I did when I lived in Breckenridge because I seem to have a deeper appreciation for them in my life. Perhaps it is because I spent one year in Texas and realized how much damn fun I have with them. Perhaps it is because the death of my loving mother has brought us together. For whatever reason it is, I know living far away from them is a choice. At this point in my life it is a choice that my heart is singing with such conviction. I look forward to visiting them for x-mas as my BFF Nicole has generously granted me to take time off during the holidays.

Crossfit - I have recently joined up with crossfit so I am working out everyday which makes me very happy!

The move from Texas to Colorado

On July 29th I flew to Colorado where I ran an outdoor camp for blind teenagers for the Breckenridge Outdoor Education Center. I had planned to spend the entire month in working/traveling in Colorado and going to Burning Man. My intention was to move back to Austin. I had an apartment there and I was also accepted to nursing school at University of Texas. My primary reason for being in Texas at all however, was to be close to my dad. I felt that I needed to live somewhat near him to support him in anyway he needed since we are all still getting over the fact that mom is not in our lives.

Anyway - I am eventually getting to the point of the story. While on vacation in August in Colorado dad mentioned that when he is done with his career (whenever that might be), he wants to head west and work as a campground host. That made me think to myself, "If he might not live in Texas down the road, why am I planning to be in Austin long term?" As soon as I asked myself, I thought I want to go back to the mountains!

After that one thing lead to another and the most absolute perfect thing fell right into my lap. My best friend, Nicole, had been considering a job as a live in care taker for a woman with cerebral palsy. Nicole had to decline the job because she could not manage the job, go to nursing school and maintain her job at the hospital. So we talked about splitting the job. I had 2 days left in Fort Collins where I could meet Hannah and go for an interview. Our stars were aligned and they squeezed me into the interview and this amazing family wanted Nicole and I to help take care of Hannah.

Flash forward to September 12th - I moved into my new home in the town of Fort Collins. I am living with my best friend Nicole, and together (along with many other beautiful souls) we are helping to take care of Hannah. It is rewarding, scary, overwhelming, loving, emotional, fun, challenging - it is so many things I cannot even begin to put into words. This is more than just a job - Nicole and I have become part of the family in a matter of days. Living and working in the same space will prove to be challenging and beneficial. The house is beautiful and in the most absolute perfect part of town. We can walk or ride our bikes to the downtown of Fort Collins!

Nicole and I have committed to this job for at least 12 months. Who knows what the road has in store for us. But I can say with confidence, without a doubt in my mind that Hannah wants me here, Hannah's mother wants me here, Nicole wants me here and more importantly I want to be here. I am in love with my life and blissful moments are around me each and every day! I miss my family dearly - I wish somehow the Yates clan could relocate to Colorado. It would make my life so much easier!

I have so so so much to learn from Hannah. She is non-verbal, so I have to learn her body language and her visual cues. She does have a box that can speak for her, but it is a fairly limited choices of words or phrases she can choose from. She uses glasses that can detect her visual patterns and she scrolls to the words or phrases she wants to select and the machine speaks for her. She is pictured sitting on the couch with her boyfriend of 8 years. It was date night and I got to cook for them!

Burning Man

This was my third year at burning man and it was one hell of a great week! Nothing will ever compare to my first burning man experience. That first week changed my life. For the first time in my entire life, I felt comfortable being myself completely without anyone judging me. It was liberating and life changing! The second year I was not prepared to really soak up the experience as my dog Willie was very ill and my mother was essentially dying of cancer while I was in the desert. This year was about having fun and preparing myself for a huge transition in my life.

I traveled to burning man with Aji. Several days before we planned to travel together we decided our lives would be richer and healthier if we were not in a partnership. We essentially mutually and amicably broke things off but decided as deep loving friends we would experience burning man together. We had crazy fun adventures on the trek from Denver to Reno. On the second day of the festival I made a huge realization that I was not letting myself go and embracing burning man because I was too preoccupied with the dynamic between Aji and I. It was a very simple and clear equation. When I was around Aji I was not having fun, when I was not around Aji I was having fun. I know he was feeling the same way too so we pretty much went out separate ways. In the end, we both got so much more out of the week and now we are able to share with each other and find joy that they had such a pleasurable time.

The morning I had mentally made the decision to experience burning man without Aji was the morning I met Cougar! That morning I went to the Temple (The temple is a massive art piece constructed of wood that the residents of this festival, 50,000 people, can bring their stories, sorrows, fears, grief to the temple. People post pictures, write stories on the walls, meditate, sing chants, drop off poems etc. and the temple is burned on the Sunday evening of the last day of the event. It has a huge amount of energy in the space - I found it to be one of the most spiritual places I have ever spent time in). At the temple I wrote my notes on the wall to Willie and to Mom telling them how much I miss them and I love them and there is still some sadness in my heart for them not being in my life. I did so without emotion, it was unexpected, I thought I would have serious sadness from this activity. I just did not know in that moment that I was just not in a place that morning to let myself to go an emotional space. After writing my note I sat down on a bench and within minutes a gentleman joined me. We engaged quickly and easily into a fascinating conversation. I learned that he was the lead carpenter on the temple which blew me out of the water. I was sitting next to the man who had an integral part in building this structure. After an hour later we both agreed that we were hungry and we decided to hop on our bikes to find some pancakes on the playa. Without forks we found ourselves eating pancakes with out hands and getting into a very fun syrup war! For the rest of the time at the festival, we spent nearly all of our time together running around, falling in love with each other!

Two nights after meeting Cougar we made our way to the temple late in the evening. I took him into the small cave where I wrote my notes to Willie and Mom. I asked if I could read them out loud to him. As soon as I began reading a rush of emotion came through me. I finished reading the piece that I wrote and then went right into telling my story. The story of finding out about mom's cancer, my fears, the feeling of being alone in Michigan away from my family, the whole story. I cried myself through it, not holding back one tear. When I was finished telling the story I collapsed from exhaustion. I laid in this small nook and Cougar stood guard to give me time alone. It was so cleansing and releasing - I had no idea how much my body needed that release. I think I was waiting for someone to be with me to have that emotional release. Cougar was there for me and with me. To make matters even more amazing - he was the man who built this temple - he had apart in building that small cave where I found my emotional release. Meeting Cougar, the temple and that emotional release were by far the greatest things that happened to me all week.

Of course there were hundred of other moments that filled me up with joy. I manned the advice booth and gave random people some advice, I swung on a 40 foot swing, I made a beautiful dinner for my camp mates, I gave and received hundreds of loving and deep hugs, I saw the most brilliant double rainbow, I drank delicious home brew beer all week, I wore crazy fun costumes, I danced my heart out, I climbed to the top of many art structures for a birds eye view of the city, I cleaned people's faces, I made fun connections with people from all over the world from all different backgrounds, I was inspired by art and poetry, I got to dance blindfolded with a group of people, I had one of the most amazing massages, I got to participate in monkey chanting and on and on and on and on!

The playa magic continued when I left the playa. I stayed an extra day to help clean up and I then found a ride out of burning man. He took me to a friends house in Reno. She was not home but she left the door open for me so I could get in. I took a memorable shower - (I clearly remember all three showers after burning man - a proper shower after 10 days in the desert will always be a memorable shower experience) and as I was lounging on the porch I looked up my flight information on the internet. My heart stopped! My flight was 6:30am that morning, it was 3:00pm. As soon as I had made the realization a car pulled up to the house. The couple walked to the front door and asked if Dawn was home. I told them she was out, and said, "I know you do not know me, but if you might have some time to spare, I need a ride to the airport." The airport was about a 5 minute drive away and without hesitation they loaded me up to their car. Thank god for Southwest Airlines! They did not charge me and I was able to board a plane that night. The unfortunate situation caused me to sleep overnight at the LA airport, but it was better than paying for a hotel.

I landed to Austin on Wednesday afternoon. I packed up my car that night from my apartment in Austin and drove to Houston the next day. I spent two days unpacking my car and repacking for my move to Colorado. By Saturday morning, my car was packed and ready to go. I had everything I needed in my car. It took me two days to drive from Houston to Fort Collins where I have found my new home!

The Mountains in my Blood

Although I have greatly neglected this here blog of mine, I must say traveling again in Colorado has inspired me to write.

As boring as it may be - looking back on where I was and when helps me with my memories of where I have been and what I have done. Bear with me as I provide a boring recap:

July 29th - Fly to Denver - Waterworld w/Zoe, Maddox, Andi-rae and Nicole
July 30th & 31st - Pre-course for Out of Sight, stay with Jaime
August 1-8 - Out of Sight Adventures
August 9 - Post course paperwork day - booo! Stay w/Maggie and Wally
August 10 - Nicole picks me up in Golden and enjoy a day w/my BFF!
August 11 - 13 - 3 day bike trip up the Poudre Canyon with Nicole! Mega fun!
August 13 - Dad arrives - drive late to Breckernidge
August 14 - Diggler tour, Peak 8 fun park and camping at 5 points park
August 15th - Rafting and dinner with friend in Frisco
August 16th - Dad played a cold and wet game of golf - evening hike to Frances cabin for the night
August 17th - Hike out of France's cabin, drive to Fort Collins, gather gear and eat some din din
August 18-19 - Dad's baby bike tour
August 20-22 - Rocky Mountain National Park with Brandon, Andrea, Zoe and Maddox

A month of silence

One month of silence and at this moment my head is filled with so many different ideas and I have so many different plates I am juggling I am confused as to where to begin.

An exercise I like to do with my interns in Breckenridge that helped them explore what are their deep set personal values. The way we spend our money, time, energy, what we dream about, what our goals in life are all indicative of our values.

I thought I might write a bit about those things in my life as I am feeling scattered with busy head traffic.

Familial - I miss my family, although we had a superb time together last weekend in Houston for Father's day. Everyone is happy and healthy, it has been 6 months since mom has passed away and my family still seems to amaze me at their strength. Aji and I have consumed each other in our lives so here very much feels like my family to me right now. This being in a relationship thing is new for me. Like most things, rewarding and challenging.

Fiscally - Humble....the best way to describe my current situation. I very much enjoy my work, but it does not offer much in the way of substantial income. Especially not for someone like myself who has the education and experience to hold much more challenging positions offering more comfortable salary.

Socially - I miss my dear close friends that are scattered across the nation and the world for that matter. I have created some lovely friendships here in Austin, but I get in trouble when I begin to compare my best friends to my new friends in Austin because they just can't live up to my BFF's. I also do not feel connected with a group yet. I had an automatic family with couchsurfing, but I am searching for more I just can't put my finger on it.

Professionally - I have a dream to be an in home caterer/chef but I am feeling intimidated by my lack of training or culinary education. My dream of selling banana ice cream has some how melted away into the hot hot Texas heat. I am intimidated by the whole starting up a business idea and cannot seem to put one foot forward. I am working currently as a pedicab driver on 6th street. I am also a server with a catering company. My main job though is working with 6 adult clients on a 1:1 basis by taking them out into the community for events, errands, restaurants, social activities etc. Each client has at least these three disabilities: deaf, blind and mental retardation. The pay is decent but I have to travel all over Austin so it is frustrating how much driving I have to do.

School - This fall I will take my final two classes with Western Michigan University to complete my masters degree in Education for the Blind. In the spring I will complete an internship that will allow me to get my certification to work in the field of blind and low vision. In regards to nursing, I am half way finished with a certified nurse's aid course. It is humbling starting in the nurse's field with my education and experience as a nurse's aid. I am hoping to begin my pre-req classes by next summer. It will take me about 3.5 years to finish the nurse program including all of my pre-reqs so it will probably be

Traveling - I will once again get my travel pants on at the end of July. I am going to Colorado to run the week long adventure camp for blind teenagers. When that finishes I am going to bike from Fort Collins, CO to St. Louis with my BFF Nicole to go to a wedding. We are still trying to figure out how we are getting back :) Dad is meeting me in Colorado where we will visit Rock Mountain National Park and possibly go backpacking! I will then make my way to Nevada to attend Burning Man. When I get back to Austin, I will of course have to start working again and taking my last two classes for my masters degree.

Austin so far

To avoid boring any readers out there, I will brush over the highlights I have experienced in the last 3 weeks.

I went to Dallas for a Warrior Dash mud run. It was tons of fun!

While looking to work in a restaurant I found a vegan place that allows you to volunteer for a shift and then you can join the crew for a meal. Casa de Luz in Austin! Great establishment!

Most of my time has been spent obsessing over Craig's list to find a job. This also resulted in running around all over Austin delivering my resume, shaking hands and trying to find a descent job.

The jobs I currently have include the following:
Intervener - I have a case of consumers with disabilities (deaf/blind/mental retardation) and I am to pick them up in my car and take them where they need to go such as shopping at the mall, exercising, doctors appointment, volunteering at the humane society etc.
Catering - I have picked up some side work with a two different catering companies as a server and party chef
Pedi-cab - I almost have everything done to work on 6th street again as a pedi-cab driver

The most exciting news that has happened since moving to Austin is I got accepted to University of Texas nursing school! It looks like I will actually start taking classes beginning in the fall of 2011.

I am also super excited that I got to visit my good friend Annie at her new place in Marble Falls. She loves on a beautiful ranch! We had such a wonderful visit.

In the month of June I will be taking a class to become a certified nurse aide.

I am also happy to have found a potential short term housing opportunity with a vegan co-op. Every night there is a vegan dinner served and it is all included in the price of the rent. Yipee! I am thinking of moving in for the month of July to get a taste of that experience.

Social life - Thank God for couchsurfing! Each night I have so many options to meet and hang out with other local friends. It is such an easy and fun network of people for me to tap into. I love it!

That is all for now...I know quite a boring post, but it looks like my tra